I was going to post this on Facebook but realized I have too much to say. You might have noticed my last posts here were largely about how things needed to change. This was the beginning of one of the darkest periods of my life; although I thought it was beginning of one of the greatest. The last five years being the roughest. This post is mostly for me but I have never had a problem sharing my thoughts, feelings, or life with anyone who really wants to ask. I have a few things I have kept secret but mostly because of intolerance or fear. I apologize this post will jump around abit but I think it will be clearer that way.
As some of you know my Aunt Joe passed recently. This post is mostly about her. Before I say anything else know that I don’t think she is perfect, nor did we see eye to eye all of the time. We even fought a few times which felt like two titans rushing each other on the battlefield. She is one of the people I wish, hope, and pray I can carry over pieces of her spirit in my short days on this little world. She is one of the greatest people I have ever had the privilege of knowing.
My reasons for saying this are probably different than many others. I also always gave her everything I could whenever she needed something, regardless of who asked. The main reason for this is my Aunt Joe always put everyone else before herself. She always looked for the odd man out or the person not defended enough and ran to their aid. She wasn’t always right of course. It would be small things like adding relish to a tuna fish sandwich to make it a little extra special or reserving the seat behind her on the bus for her nephew (regardless of what teachers wanted) while bringing special Norwegian treats. If you did not know, she was a school bus driver for 30 or 40 years. She occasional drove me on field trips which she would intentionally take to spend time with me.
Like most people I didn’t visit her enough but every time we ever saw each other she smile and warmly bring me into her arms. She would interact with me like we were talking yesterday. She always wanted to know what was going on in others' lives and did her best to follow up the next time you saw her. Towards the end she often thought I was my father. Others were got worried and thought was upsetting for me. For me, it was the ultimate compliment as my dad had many traits I admired. He had plenty of traits I would never want as well (including not bathing.) She was comparing me to someone I loved, even if she was confused.
Little bit of a tangent AKA Context
I am a person who dedicated their life to helping friends and family. I decided pretty early on that I would not date; not have a family of my own. There are a lot of reasons driving this decision and I am not sure I will ever reverse it. We can talk about those if you ever want to or I can post about them in the future.
Those reasons probably branched from the intolerance and fear I mentioned earlier and ended somewhere in not wanting to let the people I cared about down. When I was young, I was driven by two core tenants: stop being chastised for being different and protect those I love. Especially until I was 30, I would often change or present myself differently based on how others would react. These were not changes when in they were presence, I would change whom I was to the outside world. I have always been hyper-sensitive to negative emotion. I am slow to anger and even slower to enrage. I don’t say anything but I change my behavior so it doesn’t happen again.
This also lead me to discover one of my apathic traits. When a very negative experience occurs and someone can’t or wont accept why it affects me, I will flip I switch in my brain. It is hard but I can cut off emotions about a topic. These events also tend to shatter my self image and send me spiraling until it flip a switch. Enraging me is usually the only way this happens.
I am sorry I am not giving you a specific reference but I don’t want anyone reading this to think they caused any of what is here specially and giving a bunch of examples would take too much space and not the point of this post. It is not something I like to do but I have more than once. I often heard from people when I was younger that they were afraid I would leave them or move on. This also helped to drive a lot of my choices.
My childhood was not horrible although like most I had some very bad things happen. One of those being a secret I have kept the majority of my life. People now know but it is a fairly small circle. That secret had an unintended effect of my hiding more of my life than I realized. During this depressed period, I fought hard to make sure that part of me didn’t stop caring. That I didn’t flip a switch. At my lowest, most of my closest friends walked away. Looking back, it is interesting that when I started standing up for myself and focusing more on myself, as many of those friends wanted, many of those friends started turning away.
It hurt deeply and I don’t know how I made it through that the worst of the depression. I have always prided myself about telling those close to me how I am feeling but I don’t dwell. I tell you and move on trying to process. Most people I know say something and either didn’t really mean it or try to take it back later. I rarely do that. I told you how I felt, we can now discuss how things need to change, you can pretend I didn’t say it, or you can move on.
During the last five years specially, I lost so many close friends and family. People I never thought I would lose. The friends left for various reasons: some weren’t as close as I thought and others got hurt by something I said or did. As an example for a hard loss, last year I learned that one of my closest friends passed away 6 months prior and no thought to tell my family. This just about did it for me. I knew the friends wasn’t doing well. My visits slowed because of how badly it drained her. When me or my mother visited it was almost too much for her. But finding out she was gone and those closest to her didn’t think we could want to know. Well I felt like a failed, my foundation shook. I saw no way forward.
Now back the reason for my post
I finally started to climb out of that hole which I am still slowly climbing out of rather than getting deeper. I knew the last time I saw my Aunt I would likely not see her again. I got to spend the better part of a week with her because of wildfires in 2020. It was an amazing treasure and at the time re-enforced that any situation can be good or bad. It is really about what you focus on and take away from it. I am saddened that knowing this, I didn't make more of an effort up to her passing. I was still digging through my emotions to get pass static.
My Aunt always carried that spirit of generosity and desire to help others. It was in the small and big things. I will miss her dearly, but I am also glad the confusion has lifted and the pain. She had a long good life that I hope I can emulate those aspects I respect. I was at a point where I was ready to not care any longer. Not really help others outside my immediate family. I also knew this choice would be as good as ending my life. It is counter to whom I am. I know that part of my is still changing but at least I know I am not going down that road. My Aunt embodied a trait that I have always loved about myself. I was forced to go back to it because of her passing.
Until this weekend I had not mourned her passing (I still haven’t mourned my other friends.) Don’t get me wrong mourning is not a one time event but I put a wall so I could function. I am good at walls. This weekend I was able to look behind it. Oddly it wasn't as dark back there as I feared. If anything, I would call it a warm sad glow.
I spent my weekend at the beach for the 4th of July. My Aunt and I shared a deep love for the ocean, water, helping those we cared for. I felt her there many times this weekend for a few moments and cried long and hard. No one was around, as I preferred. It was just time for me to connect with nature and her. As I climb out of my hole, I am not sure the generosity of spirit was going to survive. I know it will change but it has to; I hope her inspiration can keep the best part of her and me alive. I miss her but I am more than grateful she was in my life.
Sorin
EOL
